LiL Fizz Reminds Us That Even “Perfect” Parents Need Support Too
I don't usually take most of what I see on VH1 seriously, but Monday night's episode of Love and Hip Hop: Hollywood took a different direction and actually featured a segment that wasn’t all Vodka Redbulls to the face during a brunch brawl. Or the main chick and side chick beefing over breakfast while their man sits between them scrolling through Twitter.
Lil’ Fizz is pretty much the closest thing to Father-Of-The-Year by reality show standards, and took a moment on the last episode to remind us about the importance of having solid support systems. If you aren’t familiar with the cast, I’m referring to Omarion’s homeboy, “Lethal Like Danny Glover” Lil’ Fizz of B2K fame. Fizz (whose real name is Dreux) has a son with Moniece Slaughter, who has always been made to appear a little all over the place being romantically linked to celebs like Shaquille O’Neal and Rich Dollaz as of late. Her professional career has consisted of everything from singing to sex toys, but unfortunately what she’s probably most famous for is a very public custody battle she has with Fizz over their son, Kameron.
Since joining the show, the two have had conflicting stories about their parenting skills and how Fizz came to have primary custody over Kameron, but if anything is clear it’s that Fizz has taken a bulk of the responsibility for some time when it comes to Kameron’s daily care including paying his school tuition and buying clothes and other necessities. And while I don’t believe Fizz is asking for a chocolate chip cookie with sprinkles for fulfilling his duties as a father, he did remind me Monday night about how hard parenting can be, especially when you’re forced to do it on your own.
On Monday's episode, Fizz took it upon himself to approach Moniece's mother, Marla, about pitching in more in Moniece's absence to help out with Kameron’s care. He points out that Moniece is falling back into bad habits by taking a raincheck on her scheduled weekends with Kameron. Basically Fizz lets her know he’s tired of getting his single super-dad on all the time, and feels that if Moniece can’t handle motherhood while dealing with her own issues, he should at least be able to depend on her parents to jump in for the sake of their grandson. Just so we’re clear, Marla doesn’t strike me as the type to spend her Sundays perfecting her peach cobbler and killing it at choir practice. She gives me more of a “spin class” and Scandal stan vibe, but regardless of her interests, it’s clear that she is very critical of Moniece and her life and relationship choices. Moniece has revealed in the past what led to their strained relationship:
“Growing up, I definite didn’t have a friendship with my mom or a real relationship with my biological father, either. I was really more into the relationship with my stepdad. I felt growing up he was the only person…that really considered me.”
And Marla’s response to Fizz’s plea isn’t exactly #TeamMoniece as she suggests the only way to successfully co-parent with Moniece in Kameron’s best interest is to take Moniece to court and get complete custody. Now, my feeling is a lot of things are being unsaid and maybe Marla is just practicing a little tough love, but in the most mature moment I would argue in Love and Hip-Hop history Fizz declares that what is in the best interest of Kameron is for Marla to be a solid support system for both her grandson AND her daughter.
Say what you want about the boy’s messy romantic choices, but at that moment I wanted to bottle up Fizz’s maturity and sell it on Amazon Prime. At first, I found myself co-signing Marla’s advice. I’ve seen too many parents casually have kids only to dump them on their grandparents as soon as those terrible two’s hit and turning up every day is way more of an attractive priority than keeping your kid from gluing the pets together. I even caught myself verbally saying, “Naw, Fizz, now you’re doing the most. Marla is done raising her kids.” But Fizz is right, and being a parent is a lifetime responsibility that doesn’t just end after 18 years. As much as Marla tries to call him out on his questionable decision to date Moniece and raise a family, he pleads with her through tears:
“If you’re gonna be a parent to Moniece, Marla, I feel like you should support her through her demise. Period.”
Marla reveals that she herself is a mere 47-years-old and can relate to his single-parent struggle after having Moniece at 19 and for the most part raising her on her own. When Fizz later brings up the conversation to Moniece, she has a mini-breakdown reiterating that, “No one cares!” and it’s obvious that her own parenting (or lackthereof) is probably the result of a cycle of poor communication and inconsistent support. Fizz is the epitome of unconditional love when he responds:
““You’re attacking me, and I’m the one that’s been helping.”“I love you and I know that Kameron loves you, and I need you to figure this out, Moniece.”
Maybe I’m being extra, but if that doesn’t hit you straight in “the feels” I don’t know what will.
What I’m learning about parenting is that all you can do is the best you can with what you have. I don’t like asking folks for help. I don’t like feeling indebted to anyone or placing myself in a position where people can make or break my life. I think in many ways, especially being a black woman, asking for help is more like admitting a weakness or flaw. But let me let you in a little secret: No one raises a child alone, and better still, no one should have to. Unfortunately, people find themselves as single-parents every day. Does that mean you should put up with baby mama drama or shiftless baby daddies? Hell to the no. But even if you’re lacing up your cape every day and single-handedly killing supermom status, what’s in the best interest of a child is a well-balanced parent who knows the importance of self-care and being able to ask for help. And you can only accomplish that when you have a team to talk you off the ledge when the score is You: 0, The Parenting Struggle: 1000.
I can’t tell you how much having two sets of fully supportive grandparents this past year has saved me in childcare expenses, as much as my patience and sanity. Whether my husband and I both have to work overtime or I need that happy hour once a month to make the difference between parental bliss and breakdown, I am glad to have parents that are committed to their new role as grandparents: to help me in my parenting journey and step in for their grandchild if for whatever reason we are unable to. I still don’t think grandparents should have the task of raising kids all over again, but I do think any good support system recognizes that parenting doesn’t just end when your children have kids of their own. I applaud the single parents out there who are raising awesome kids all by themselves, but the truth is Fizz isn't alone in admitting that child support is about more than what's taken from your check each month. Whether it’s a "Pop Pop," your cousins and 'nem, or your pastor, what's in the best interest of the parent and child is a solid support system.
Take a look at Fizz’s moment of truth below:
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Back when I was in the process of getting my letters in life coaching, something that I spent a good amount of time on is empaths. When it comes to words that are used in the mental health space, it’s kind of interesting that there are two things that I, surprisingly, find narcissists and empaths to have in common.
For one thing, while many people have narcissistic and empath-related traits, far less folks are actually narcissists (meaning they havethe disorder) or are full-on empaths. And two, oftentimes, those two types of people are actuallydrawn to one another. While it’s kind of another article for another time how/why, for the sake of this article, empaths tend to want to help narcissists, and narcissists like to take that help for granted to the nth degree. That’s actually how a lot of folks with narcissistic tendencies and individuals with empathic traits end up being friends…or rather “friends.”
So, is that what we’re gonna talk about today? Eh. Not specifically. This is more about the fact that, as we get older and live and learn a little longer, you start to realize that “friend” is not a simple word and oftentimes we can struggle in our relationships with people because we don’t know enough about ourselves (and/or others) to figure out how to keep the connection healthy and mutually beneficial. An example of that is if you are indeed an empath and you’re trying to navigate through your relationships with people who aren’t or even…are.
Let’s explore that today. If you’re someone who has always wondered why you sometimes have challenges in your friendships that others do not seem to, it might just be that you’re what I call a “friend empath.” Read on to see if that is indeed the case.
Being An Empath. Revisited.
GiphyBefore getting into what it means to be an empath, let me just say that back when I discovered that I was an ambivert and I started to share the signs of one with other people, it was funny how so many folks who had never even heard of the word before suddenly said, “Yeah, I’m one too then.” Umm, that’s not exactly how it works. LOL. If you really want to discover things like that about yourself, it’s always a good idea to take an actual test. So, if you’re curious to know if you are a true empath (and not just someone who has some of the characteristics because most of us fall under that category), you can take a free testhere,here, andhere (you can also get an “official” assessment with a reputable mental health provider).
And what exactly is an empath? Probably one of the easiest and simplest ways to explain it isan empath is someone who is able to sense, feel, and understand what others do in a way that is very profound. A fictional character who immediately comes to mind isMay from the movie A Secret Life of Bees. If you saw the movie, you might recall that she would write her feelings down on a piece of paper, put them into a stone wall, and grieve. She did this so much to the point that one day, she couldn’t take the burdens of her feelings any longer, and she took her own life.
Being an empath definitely doesn’t mean that life has to be that heavy or grim; however, a common trait for pretty much all empaths is they are very sensitive, and that can make discourse in friendships and also the ending of friendships so much harder for them to deal with than anyone else.
For an empath, it’s almost like they take on the life of their friends and, should things come to an end, the heartbreak of it all, on some level, can seem to last for years — if not, on some level, forever. That’s oftentimes why many empaths prefer to only deal intimately with very few people; it’s literally all that their heart can take.
If all of what I just said actually resonates with you, yet you want to know some telling signs that you could very well be a friend empath (or one of your friends is a friend empath), here are six traits to pay very close attention to.
6 Telling Signs You Are A Friend Empath
1. You Tend to “Absorb” Other People’s Emotions
GiphyIf you’re a Christian and you’ve never taken a spiritual gifts test before (I Corinthians 12), I recommend that you do (a pretty thorough one can be accessedhere). Long story short, it helps you to understand some of the supernatural abilities that you have that help to edify the Church. The way that most people who specialize in spiritual gifts say that you should really focus on the results is the top three high scores (even if they are five or six different things); those are what you are the strongest in.
Anyway, if one of them happens to be faith, think about how you handle a lot of bad news or a ton of intel about a person or situation. If you prefer to limit your participation, you also may be an empath and not even know it. How did I come to that conclusion? It’s because I know several people with that gift, and all of them say that when they receive too much information, it weighs down their spirit, affects their ability to pray, and can even make them very sad. I think a big part of it is because in order to have faith, you’ve got to believe in things, and in order to believe, you oftentimes need to have some level of sympathy, compassion, and empathy — and if you get too involved, at the very least, it can become emotionally overwhelming to the point that what other people have going on could very well consume you.
With all this being said, think about when your friends call to vent something. Are you present for the call and then when you hang up, it’s easy for you to go on about your day — or does it affect you to the point where you feel stressed out on some level? Almost as if you are now going through the experience with them — or, on some level, even “for” them?
2. You Typically Get Your Feelings Hurt Rather Easily
GiphyI have a few bona fide empaths in my life, and in order to be a better friend to them, something that I’ve had to learn to do is be more sensitive to their feelings because, sometimes, they can almost come across as being super fragile. It makes sense because, on the heels of what I just said about how empaths take on other people’s emotions, there’s no way that they would be able to do that if they didn’t feel things very intensely within themselves, too.
For instance, something that I have to do with empaths is be more cognizant of my delivery and tone because they are almost hypersensitive to both.
For a true empath, the saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it,” definitely resonates because when you’re in the process of communicating with them, it’s almost like all five of their senses (touch, taste, hearing, sound, sight) are involved. This means that if your body language seems off, they are going to notice. If you raise your voice to make a point, they might feel low-key attacked. If you say something flippantly because you’re irritated, they may take it up a few more notches and assume that you are angry.
Can all of this boil down to sometimes feeling like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re dealing with an empath? Quite frankly, yes. However, what makes it worth your while is the fact that the level of sensitivity that an empath will bring to you in your time of experiencing say, a death or a break-up, is incomparable. They aren’t casual or nonchalant by any stretch. They see your pain, feel your pain, and want to be very mindful and present with you in it.
And so, if getting that means that you have to be a little extra cautious with their feelings sometimes…so be it (although empaths, it’s also wise to let people know when you’re feeling a little “tender;” it’s not fair to expect others to assume since not everyone is an empath like you are).
3. You Are Prone to Do Most of the Giving
GiphyNow, if there is one thing that I can totally relate with a true empath on is doing most of the giving in relationships; at least, that’s how my world used to be back in the day. Because empaths are highly compassionate (which basically means that they see suffering and want to do all that they can to alleviate it), they have a tendency to go above and beyond to help others out. In fact, it’s pretty common for empaths to end up caring about and doing more for a person’s problems than the person themselves, whether the individual asked them to or not.
For empaths, they can’t see being any other way because if someone has a need, they are typically hyper-focused on meeting it.
Here's the real catcher: even if they are this way with friends who show reciprocity, they are almost always going to “outdo” them because empaths don’t always know balance. If one of their friends needs rent money, they might overlook their own bills to pay it. After a while, that can make their friends feel uncomfortable or even guilty because while they appreciate the empath’s efforts, that doesn’t mean that they think they should respond in the same over-the-top ways.
And don’t even get me started on the folks who take more than they give in the friendship. For them, empaths are like a walking ATM because they know that if anyone will take their sob stories to heart, their empathetic friend will — and if it means that the empath has to go without in order for their own needs to be met…so be it.
This brings me to something else about friend empaths: energy vampires will try to emotionally eat them alive.
4. Energy Vampires Are Drawn to You
GiphyEmpaths are very sensitive to energy — not just when it comes to people, either. In fact, another trait that is pretty common for empaths, in general, is they like to spend time in nature because it has a way of calming, centering, and replenishing them (so if you are friends with an empath and you want to show them how much you appreciate them, planning some sort of get-together in nature is oftentimes a wise choice). And because energy means a lot to them, energy vampires are always on the hunt for them.
What exactly is an energy vampire? The simple way to explain them is they are the type of people who are extremely draining to be around; some might even go so far as to define them as being toxic individuals. Why? Because of the things that they do.
Energy vampires are known to not take accountability for their actions. Energy vampires will play the victim a lot. Energy vampires might act as if they like you to your face; however, behind your back, they are either jealous of or competing with you (whether you realize it or not). Energy vampires constantly need attention. Energy vampires are always in some sort of drama. Energy vampires make mountains out of molehills. Energy vampires bring you down.
And you know what? I’m pretty sure that after all of what I just said about empaths, you can get why these types of people like empaths because if anyone is going to have tolerance for their “extra-ness,” it’s going to be an empath. And that’s why empaths have to be intentional about setting boundaries with these types of individuals.
In fact, because energy vampires can be a bit of a weakness for empaths, they might have to be a little more extreme than others and avoid being friends with these types of people altogether since saying “no” isn’t typically their strong suit.
5. You Can “Ghost” Folks
GiphyCharge it to what I do for a living (communicate…A LOT), yet if there is one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it’s ghosting. Personally, I find it to be selfish, cowardly, and relationally irresponsible. Folks in my world know that if you want a line to be drawn, oh so very clearly in the sand with me, get ghost.
Interestingly enough, this is a common characteristic for a lot of empaths — although it’s usually not for malicious reasons. Because they care on such a deep level, sometimes their own feelings for others can overwhelm them; when that happens, what they tend to do is retreat, oftentimes without saying anything at all.
If you read that and are nodding your head up and down, let me just say that while other empaths may give you an automatic pass on this, people like me will not. It’s so much more effective — even if it’s via a text, email, or voicemail — to convey that you’re feeling a certain way and need some time to yourself than to abandon the friendship altogether and then expect someone to be fine with that and to pick up, just where the two of you left off, later on (whenever that later may be because…who knows?).
Yeah, as much as empaths may feel other people, they aren’t always or necessarily the clearest communicators on the planet. That’s something that can make being friends or in a romantic relationship with one hella challenging (at times).
6. Intimacy May Overwhelm You Sometimes
GiphyLast one. At the end of the day, intimacy is simply experiencing some level of closeness with other individuals, whether it’s mental, emotional, spiritual, or sexual. And again, because empaths feel so deeply, intimacy might be an internal struggle sometimes.
For instance, while they might be ready and willing to hear all of your problems, it could feel like pulling teeth to get them to do the same. Why? Because it’s natural for empaths to take on other people’s stuff, yet they oftentimes are “afraid” of the vulnerability that comes from sharing their own feelings, thoughts, and needs with other people. Why? Because if someone disappoints them, an empath may wonder if they will fully recover from it — and so, rather than take the risk, they keep (certain) things bottled up inside.
This is actually one of the reasons why I think it’s a good idea for engaged couples to take certain personality tests before saying “I do.” Imagine being married to an empath, not knowing it, and after a really heavy conversation or a very intense and intimate sexual experience, out of nowhere, they clam up on you. If you don’t know more about your partner’s personality traits, it can come off as out-of-nowhere rejection; if you’re aware that they are an empath, some extra tolerance and understanding will be easier to extend.
___
Was this a lot? I mean, in many ways, empaths are a lot. Still, if you know more about how they think and move, if you are one, that can make it easier for you to express what you need to others, and if you have a friend who is one, that can make it easier for you to understand how to be a good (and lasting) friend to them.
Author Dean Koontz once said, “Being an empath is like seeing with the soul.” And so yes, being a friend empath can be a true blessing — so long as all parties involved know how to handle it with care.
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