Spoilers through Season 5 of 'Vikings' follow.
Revenge. Suicide. Murder. Wednesday night's Vikings had all three.
Love triangles, political intrigue, betrayal. "The Most Terrible Thing" was filled with all the makings of a great drama.
Yet here I am left wondering how an episode of TV can have all these ingredients and still end up so flavorless.
For all the brutality of this episode---one filled with equal parts love and hatred---I didn't care about any of it. It didn't make me feel a thing.
Let's start with the subplot I've cared least about of any of them and go from there.
Let's sail across the stormy seas to . . . .
Iceland
Adam Copeland as Kjetill "Flatnose" in 'Vikings'We finally got a resolution to the Iceland soap opera, with the "good" family led by Kjetill "Flatnose" surprising everyone, including Floki, by taking revenge on Eyvind and the "bad" family they set out to supposedly help.
This was an interesting twist---I was expecting some betrayal the other way around, with Eyvind pretending to need help then ambushing Floki and his group. I should be impressed by the sudden turn of events, but I just never cared about any of these characters to begin with. Not Flatnose, not Eyvind, not young Aud who flings herself from a cliff when she learns of her father's murderous actions.
All of this should be high drama that has me on the edge of my seat. But the show languished so long on this half-baked storyline that by the time we reached its conclusion, I was just glad it was over. Floki has been wasted throughout Season 5, hanging out with B-tier characters we never learned to love or loathe.
To be honest, without looking up their names I probably wouldn't have been able to tell you who any of these characters were. I recognize them. I know who the "bad" family was and the "good" family. I know one of the sons from the "bad" family married one of the daughters from the "good" family and then she was murdered by his family and that's why all this revenge is going on.
But do I care about any of them? Do I care about their fates? I just keep wondering why Vikings has banished Floki to this awful storyline.
York
In York, Bjorn and Harald both court Gunnhild (played by the fittingly named Ragga Ragnars) because I guess that in all the world there is only one woman for the two of them.
For whatever reason, despite his being a king, Harald is unlucky in love. The woman he first loved (at least on the show) would only wed him if he became king. When he did, she refused him anyways. His next woman---Lagertha's lover, and once Bjorn's also because of that look---he had to kidnap. She was so eager to be done with him that she beseeched Lagertha to kill her.
Now he falls for yet another woman belonging to another man and even when her husband falls in battle, Harald is still too late. Bjorn swoops in and takes her for himself. So there's a love triangle, but Grunnhild is such a new character that I'm not really sure why she's such a big deal to either man.
Bjorn tells her he's afraid to ask if she loves him. He professes his vulnerability. He's lost, alone, his soul naked. I guess this show of weakness works on her. I'm a little confused. Did I miss the part where they fell in love? This show's tendency to skip forward makes following the various narratives a bit like suffering from whiplash.
Kattegat
In Kattegat the story continues to languish almost as badly as Iceland. Worse, in a sense, given that we had such a dramatic turn of events in Floki's story.
Ivar talks about killing Hvitserk (surprise surprise) but his wife, the cunning Freydis, convinces him that because he's a god he should stay his hand. After all, isn't it better to be loved than feared?
"I don't know," Ivar replies. Of course, Ivar knows very well what he prefers. He prefers to be feared. Earlier in the episode he gives an entire speech urging people to spy on their neighbors and give up anyone not loyal to him, even if they're kin. All Ivar knows is fear and hate and bloodshed.
Freydis is trying to shape him into something else. And he listens to her more than anyone. Later he sends Hvitserk (who has also suddenly fallen in love with yet another woman whose name escapes me) on a diplomatic mission to get him out of Kattegat. It's mostly to save Hvitserk's life since Ivar knows he'll kill him sooner or later.
Hvitserk doesn't want to go (I'm still not sure why) but Ivar says he has no choice. Good call. But now what will these brothers do, without one another to argue and bicker with?
Wessex
Speaking of brother vs brother (not only the theme but the entire plot of Season 5) back in Wessex we see Aethelred buried. Alfred rouses from his illness about this time and is brokenhearted to find his treacherous sibling six feet under.
Judith plays the part of grieving mother and then kicks Aethelred's wife straight out of the castle. Later she reveals the truth to Alfred (I'm not sure why, it makes no sense for her to do so) and Alfred is, predictably, rather upset.
He breaks some stuff and yells. Judith tells him to stop acting like a normal human being with feelings and start acting like a king. Apparently kings are supposed to be totally fine with their mothers' killing their brothers and whatever other horrifying things go on in palace life.
I suppose Ecbert would have been pretty okay with it---he was busy bedding Judith despite his son being married to her, after all. Speaking of which, Aethelwulf probably wouldn't have been okay with any of this. He was a good man with bad people all around him. He was killed by a bee sting.
Final thoughts.
I think I'm tired of how cynical this show has become. More than its aimlessness, it's the lack of humanity I find so depressing. Nobody cares about anybody else. Mothers kill their sons. Fathers abandon their children. Brothers are always at war with one another. When Bjorn finally comes out with his little love speech, all I can think about is how badly he's treated all his previous wives, all the children he's abandoned.
The last time there was genuine affection on this show was between Ragnar and Aethelstan. To be sure, there are glimmers here and there. Ubbe and Torvi seem genuinely to care for one another, but they're given such small roles to play.
I don't buy it. None of this is really human nature. People back in those times didn't just neglect and abandon their children willie nillie. People still loved their parents, their children, their family and friends. There wasn't endless backstabbing and misery. Life was hard and the hardest folk survived, but Vikings has taken malaise to a whole new level. There is nothing hopeful about this show. There is no drunken joking between Ragnar and Ecbert.
Nobody is carrying Aethelstan's body up the mountain.
