While “The Da Vinci Code” is not da bomb, it is da dirge, da portentousness, da duh.
People who found the Dan Brown book dull will not be disappointed; the movie captures the inertia perfectly.
On paper, the idea of a Catholic Church cover-up involving an alternate version of the Jesus-Mary Magdalene story is intriguing.
On film, it’s a thicket of blah-blah-blah that cast members traverse in cement boots.
If the novel is a mental thriller, the movie is just mental.
Try as he may with a budget the size of Nantucket, director Ron Howard ends up with two hours and 33 minutes of melodramatic piffle.
When humorless hero Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks in big hair) says, “Who is God, who is man, how many have been murdered over this question?” you are supposed to feel the weight of the question. Instead you think, “Seventeen?
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No, that’s probably too few. Eighty-three? Yes, that’s probably closer.”
The picture opens well. Dressed as a monk, Silas (Paul Bettany), an albino who belongs to Opus Dei, a conservative Catholic group, murders a museum curator in the Louvre.
Since the dying man left clues in the form of numbers and symbols, the French police call in Langdon, a famous symbologist, to decipher them.
With an assist from police cryptologist Sophie Neveu (Tautou), he tracks the clues across Europe to more puzzles, anagrams, murders and diatribes about ancient societies such as the legendary Priory of Sion (as opposed to Scion, which is a car that looks like a box.) Convinced Langdon is the killer, bullying French detective Bezu Fache (fyi, Bezu is a Knights Templar fortress site in Southern France, “Fache” is French for “cross”), played by Jean Reno, remains in pursuit.
Like “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” on Valium, the story turns into a search for the Holy Grail.
The religious controversy plastered across the media stems from the movie’s reinterpretation of the Grail tale — “What if the Greatest Story Ever Told is a lie?” one character asks — and from the Jesus-Mary Magdalene thing.
After seeing the movie, though, it becomes clear that the only reason for a boycott is to protest the dreariness.
Rather than emotionally sound, the performances are earnest. It’s like listening to the same funereal notes ad infinitum.
Even the chase scenes provide little relief. Howard turns the most impressive — a car speeding backwards along a Paris sidewalk — into an almost impenetrable blur.
Historical flashbacks provide the liveliest moments.
Rather than trust the audience to learn by watching, the screenplay explains every step. (We’ll go to the library next.
I hope it’s open. Wait, I know where we can find a shortcut.) As in the book, the most pleasure comes from fooling with clues.
For instance, written next to the curator’s body is a “P.S. Find Robert Langdon.” Seems unimportant until Sophie tells Langdon the “P.S.” stands for “Princess Sophie,” the deceased’s nickname for her.
That insight amuses. As does a clever deciphering of Da Vinci’s message in his painting “The Last Supper.” (No grail on the table. Hmm.)
Quips from Grail specialist Sir Leigh Teabing (Ian McKellen) generate some laughs.
Otherwise, somber thy name is “Da Vinci.”
The film sticks to the book’s basic outline but often combines or omits details and greatly streamlines the narrative. This makes the movie version more confusing in parts. Not that it makes much difference.
The guess here is that the filmmakers took the novel — sales of which have reached Biblical proportions — so seriously that they felt they should follow suit. By doing so they sacrificed the fun. Consider well before you pay for their sin.
You can reach film critic Barry Caine by calling (925) 416-4806, writing 4770 Willow Road, Pleasanton, CA 94588, or e-mailing bcaine@angnewspapers.com. Other reviews are available on www.insidebayarea.com.
